This week started off with a good ole’ Sunday hike up to the flatirons, soaking in lot of sunshine and spending plenty of time being in nature. Also, for the first time in a while I felt inspired and ready to work on my next projects and ideas. Let’s say I was feeling pretty good!
Things turned suddenly and unexpectedly on Thursday morning. Since that day my whole entire life as I knew changed forever. My 5 and half year old cat Mila, or as I like to call her, Mibbas died that afternoon very suddenly. I watched her struggle to breathe, the confusion in her eyes, the stress and pain her body was in and lack of knowing what was going on with her. I remember looking at her and thinking this doesn’t feel right – she is not herself at all, but I had no idea that in just less than hour she would take her last breathe.
I had seen her enjoying the sunshine outside on the balcony the day before. Spend plenty of time playing with bottle caps, her all-time favorite toy. Take a long nap on her favorite chair. Chase her sister around the house. Then, the next day she was gone just like that.
I grew up never having pets or really having any kind of animal interaction, until ‘by chance’ I found Mila and her sister Marley in a bush behind my college apartment my senior year. Since that day in 2011, she’s been in my life and has gone through so much with me. I truly ‘fell in’ love with her and received the gift of unconditional love back.
She watched me grow up into an adult, into the woman that I am today. She has lived in a college town, in a big city, in a small ski town in the mountains, down south and at the foothills of some of the most iconic mountains – her final resting stop.
In her short lifetime, she got to experience so much and learn a lot! Like how to go on long cross-country car rides not once, but twice! How to play fetch like a dog and talk to humans as if she was expressing herself.
I miss her. What has gotten me all worked up is the unexpected traumatic way of her passing and her final moments Earth side. I wasn’t ready. There are so many things I wish I could go back and re-do to the days leading up to Thursday, and my mind keeps looking for ways she could have been saved.
I can’t go back and her loss is what hurts the most. I question if I was a good human to her, did I treat her well, did she really know that I loved her, did I do the best I could for her? Sometimes I feel guilty because I remember some days I don’t even remember if I truly saw her because I was too caught with a problem in my head. But the thing I am struggling with the most is that she had so much more life ahead of her and so many more experiences to go through.
This has shaken me up. Made me realize that we truly have nothing to grasp onto outside of us – this world that we live is not truly our home, and that we all must go home one day. All we can really do is LIVE FULLY and LOVE FULLY.
This is my first intimate experience of death. I feel broken open, raw and so confused. I still don’t know how to process all of this, but I am learning to be okay.
The reason I wanted to write about this life-changing experience is because writing helps me take all my thoughts and put them somewhere and also because I am learning and growing through this.
- Life is really really really really short. Sometimes it doesn’t feel like it, especially when circumstances aren’t so favorable. I am learning to be present with it all, the good and the bad because it’s better to accept what is than fight with what is not.
- Life is transient. Nothing lasts forever. This is not a dress rehearsal, but the main show. You don’t get a do-over, you get one shot. Why take it for granted and live as though we’re gonna live forever?
- Stop limiting yourself, you’re going to die. I know that’s a bit harsh, but it’s true. We get so busy worrying about what isn’t working, what we can’t do, what we can’t have, what’s not possible that we forget to truly live. Stop caring so much about being your limits and care more about being great.
- Make I love you and Thank you a part of your daily interactions, these are your anchors. Living your life as an expression of love and being in a state of gratitude is what is real and what truly matters.
- Appreciate everything ~ even the struggle, the pain, the bad stuff because it’s not permanent. Take time daily to tell the people in your life how much you appreciate them, tell yourself how much you appreciate yourself, appreciate things in your life, which make life easier, more comfortable and more fun.
- Your mind is very powerful, it will believe whatever you feed it. Feed it thoughts that feel good, feel expansive, feel loving, feel empowering, feel supportive, feel blissful. Your mind is the only thing you truly have control over – exercise this power more.
- It’s okay if your in pain, it’s okay if things aren’t right, it’s okay if you feel down. It’s always okay to feel, to be with yourself for whatever is coming up for you. When we are okay with what it is, then we can truly accept.
These key lessons came out of something so traumatic and unexpected, but I am telling myself I am okay. I am going to be okay.
No matter what, everything is always alright. This is how love would see and I choose to see this experience with love.
Be patient. Be gentle. Be kind.