My Saturn Return: What I Learned and How I Grew
In December 2020, I graduated from my Saturn return after a two and a half year transit. My Saturn is in the planet Capricorn in the 1st house and my Saturn return started in December 2017. At the time, I was 28 years old. From having lived through this experience I can say the more you’ve invested in getting to know yourself, who you are and understanding yourself the easier your Saturn return is. It is a time of great awakening and a passage into adulthood. You emerge on the other side wiser, empowered and freer if you embrace the lessons and integrate the wisdom.
Now to actually share what happened during this transformative and positive time period in my life. A quick reference, I also have my moon in Capricorn in the 1st house and have a lot of Capricorn energy in my natal chart all in the 1st house. Therefore, my Saturn return hit heavy on all things related to the Self. Depending on what house Saturn is in your chart, the themes and what you grow through will be different. To gain a better understanding of your Saturn return, see what house your Saturn is in.
A little background:
My life has never been easy, it’s been painstakingly difficult for me, climbing a mountain but never really getting to the top! It didn’t help that I also had a major victim identity and complex. As I child my self-esteem was ruptured and I have experienced a lot of abuse and trauma. I struggled with depression and suicidal tendencies most of my life. It was not until my early 20’s did I start my self-healing journey. Despite all the darkness and turmoil, I have always been a super aware person and have naturally gravitated to personal growth and self-inquiry. As a child and teenager, I would write about my life, my moods, my challenges, my experiences. Basically a history book on myself. More on my divine storm and spiritual awakening here. Self-contemplation and journey into mySelf is a big theme of my life in this lifetime. I was always in the pursuit of higher knowledge and had an insatiable drive to do something impactful with my life that involved helping people. My depression and suicidal tendencies manifested as my mind being a cage that I felt trapped in. When I started to delve deeper into studying spirituality, psychology, metaphysics and self-knowledge through the self-actualization path I began to make sense of why I was the way I was, and it greatly paid off during my Saturn return! In my Saturn return it became evident that everything I had lived, experienced, all the pain and suffering was only preparing me to be a better guide, wisdom teacher and champion for people who wanted to become empowered, alive and free in themselves.
The themes of my Saturn return were the Self (identity, my values, self-esteem, self-perception, self-expression, mind, body), my intimate relationship and work. I began to realize what I was no longer going to put up with and who I no longer wanted to be. Throughout my life, I had severe issues around my worth, value and not being good enough. Feeling worthless and valueless affected my self-expression. I had started my coaching business in my mid to late 20’s with no success, and during my Saturn return it took off which even further exposed all the intense low self-esteem issues. I was being taught how to redefine my worth and value to not be tied to how successful I was. Also, I was being taught to not tie my value to numbers, money and clients. I have always struggled with not feeling good enough and that nothing I ever did was good. I was hyper-critical of everything I created and what I shared in the form of my content, products and work with clients. I was constantly doubting my abilities and comparing myself to others. It was a never-ending cycle! During my Saturn return, this problem came to the forefront and I had to deal with it, and finally heal it. I did this through mindfulness, ego work and self-love. I logged off of social media and focused entirely on myself while tuning to my own channel. I knew the more I allowed outside input, information, what other people were doing, studying their teachings or logging into their work, the less I was going to be clear in my channel and medicine. I began a daily meditation practice of tuning in to my own frequency and getting familiar with what my energy feels like, what my core frequency is. I also invested in coaches, teachers, courses and lot of alone time. During this time I found human design and it liberated me when I realized the way I had felt my whole life wasn’t wrong, I was truly not made to fit in this world. I am here to create a new one and my energy operates in such a different way than the majority of the population. Integrating all these lessons and healing my self-esteem has greatly helped my business, how I run it and my success. I no longer see success as an outward manifestation, but as how in tune and embodied I am in mySelf, my channel and frequency. It’s a feeling, state of being than it is a physical result.
I also stopped doing and started BEING. For years, I was taking so much action and getting no results. I realized that if it was pure action that gets results, then why isn't everyone successful or have the outcomes they want. It isn’t all about action, there is another piece to the puzzle! I learned to focus on who I was being and my energy. This meant living from a place of BEING, slowing down, feeding my energy and activating joy. I stopped doing to get and started just being. I stopped forcing my way through life and instead I act from aliveness, inspiration, excitement and joy. More on this topic in my class, 2020 vision.
We live in a culture of toxic productivity where worth is based on how much we do and what we produce. It’s glorified to be busy, to be stressed, to be a hard worker! We have been fed this paradigm that if we aren’t being productive then we have no worth, aren’t ambitious, just lazy or won’t achieve. I no longer bought into this paradigm, I created a new one that reflects how I want to live. There is nothing I have to do, there are only things I want to do from a place of joy, excitement and inspiration. I never force myself into action. Instead, I nurture my being, feed my frequency and really practice embodiment of the energies I want to hold in my field that attract the things I desire.
Choosing to operate and live from joy has been my biggest lesson! My Saturn return really softened me. I went from being a super serious person carrying the burden of her past to someone who is softer, lighter and freer in here Being. I also really understood the power of mindfulness as the path to free my mind and be liberated in mySelf. It has become a core component of my work, teachings and guidance.
Another big event that happened in my life is that I got engaged, married and broke up all to the same person! I had been in a relationship for 7 years when my Saturn return arrived and I knew we were either going to make it or not. Things radically needed to shift otherwise we were going nowhere. Unfortunately, I knew that I had to leave this relationship because it no longer felt good to be in it anymore. I broke up with my partner and went on a solo adventure to Hawaii, the place I feel the most at home, with no intention of getting back together. Plot twist! It wasn’t over and we spent the next year rebuilding our relationship to then be engaged. A month before mine and my now husband’s Saturn return ended we got married! Through both of our Saturn returns, we learned about how to make our relationship work and what marriage means to us and why we want to choose each other. We both see marriage as an opportunity for our soul’s growth and evolution and we both want to support each other through this. I learned it is important to have clarity on what your core values are, vision and purpose of your marriage is before you get married. You are not two halves becoming a whole, but rather two whole people coming together because you are already whole and have always been.
A few cool things that also happened:
I launched my podcast, Unlearn Yourself, which has been on my mind for years. I lived alone. I made some amazing friendships, I developed in my voice and the power of my spoken word (I am definitely a better speaker than a writer), fell in love with dogs having been afraid of them my whole life, became really confident and comfortable in my own skin and body, developed my intuitive and energy reading abilities.
Much of my Saturn return looking back at it now was about inner shift and transformation. I knew who I was really well, but I became secure, confident and in love with who I am, my natural talents and gifts.
For those of you who are in your Saturn return right now, set an intention for how you want this journey of self-empowerment, self-knowledge and Being to go for you. Honor the guidance you are receiving, choose yourself, listen to your truth and do what is best for you. It is truly a time of becoming who you are. Pulling your energy and investment from places, people, jobs, environment or things that are not in resonance with you or are not truly a reflection of who you are and how you want to live. Let this time purify you and show you just how incredible, powerful, deserving, and amazing you are!
If you have recently graduated from your Saturn return or are going through it now, please share your experiences :)
Stay open.