Reflections and Learnings from 2018

The only level we have true control is at the level of the mind, is in what we think.

Every new year I like to reflect on the year I have had. It's my way of saying goodby to another chapter of life that I lived and beginning of a new year chapter.

I find this process quite nurturing for my soul as it really helps me live more intentionally. I never want to be that person who wakes up at 62 and realizes where has my life gone? How am I already here? I believe taking time to reflect will set us up to make the most out of our lives, so when we do get into the later years of our life we don't ask ourselves where has my life gone, but say what a life I have lived!

In no particular order here are my lessons and learnings of 2018:

1. The Universe loves a decision

Up until 2018 I've always had part-time jobs to support my business. I wasn't making enough money in my business so I needed part-time jobs to keep me afloat and take care of my financial obligations, but at the end of 2017 I made a decision. I decided no more, I am going all in, this has to work. This is the work that I want to do and I want to be financially supported doing it. In my indecision of worrying if my business would actually work and provide financial support, I put off trusting in my work and what I really wanted to do. I believe that when you really want something, you have to decide that it can be yours because not until you do, you'll play games with yourself. At least your ego will and years will go by. When we make a decision, we become certain. Then, not only will our mind find a way to make it a reality, but we become more receptive to hearing our intuition, tuning into guidance and following the breadcrumb trails. All because we have decided. A Course in Miracles says, "the outcome is certain as God". So we have to decide what we want, and be all in.

2. We live in our mind not in the world

I always knew this idea conceptually from all the years of spiritual learning I have done, but I viscerally understood this at the kitchen sink when I was washing dishes. I deeply felt within me that the world I live in is really only in my mind purely based on my thought patterns, beliefs, stories and programming. We always 'see' the world through our own filters and perceptions, which are all rooted in the mind. The world on its own doesn't have meaning in of itself, but only the meaning we have given it as both as individuals and as a collective human race. To change the world or change our lives literally means to change our mind.

3. Fear is not a fact

It seems like my whole life thus far has been devoted to unlearning fear and claiming love. Fear has crippled me, plagued me, confused me and made me feel like I was forgotten by my creator. A Course in Miracles says, "all healing is essentially a release from fear". To heal my mind of fear is my greatest intention, and majority of my coaching is focused on undoing the part of our mind that fears ~ the ego. As I have understood the ego, I have come to know that it is a false self which uses the language of fear.Fear keeps us separate from who we really are in Truth and from realizing our true power and potential. Fear says: you are not good enough, you are not worthy, you can't do that, you can't have that, you won't ever succeed, you are not safe, what if people don't like you, you will fail, you are not lovable, something is wrong with you. What fear tells you is not a fact, it's a perception. And perceptions can be changed when we decide and are willing to see things and ourselves differently ~ through the light of love and truth. Knowing the truth about ourselves, sets us free. We are free then to choose love over fear and be more unconditional with loving ourselves and giving ourselves what we desire and deserve.

4. I am the Self

I do a lot of contemplation because I am a very naturally curious person, which has honestly served me so much as I have done my inner work. I love the self-realization teachings of Nisgardatta Maharaj and Ramana Maharshi ~ the premise of their teaching is to realize the Self. The Self that exists, the I AM, without any conditions and identities we take on by being in this world. Who are we without our definitions, labels, stories, perceptions, judgements, thought patterns, emotions, etc? We are the just the Self, the one that exists despite it all. I had a profound experience of this in my meditation a few months again, which was such a visceral experience for me. I love when concepts or teachings become realized within as a knowing in our being. To access the Self, I use meditation as a tool to go beyond the mind and my identity as human to know who I am in truth, a spirit ~ the I AM.

5. We must take responsibility for what we think as much we take responsibility for what we do

This was huge for me because of going back to point #3 above, I have been plagued by fear. Thinking fear-based thoughts is actually a choice. Yes, of course in the moment it doesn't feel like that, it feels more like an automated habitual thing. But no one is forcing us to think fear-based thoughts, we are choosing to do so. This choosing is so unconscious that it goes unnoticed! Like I don't have a say in making this choice. It just happens. That's how it feels for me. If studying A Course in Miracles has taught me anything it is this: it's our responsibility to choose love over fear in every moment, and when we do that our life becomes an expression of what we chosen: love or fear. I know choosing fear again and again has caused me so much stress, confusion, worry, doubt, freaking out and most of all feeling so helpless and powerless. To say my thinking is incorrect just like we say oh I am sorry I did that - is so freaking powerful! The only level we have true control is at the level of the mind, is in what we think. And it's a huge responsibility I have decided to embrace because it affects every aspect of life, how my life feels, how I feel and most of all my well-being.

6. Making peace with suicide

This is my little secret, which after I type these words will no longer be a secret! I have had depression for most of my life, and I began to heal it in my early twenties after my divine storm. One of the ways depression affected me the most is that it made me very suicidal. I wrote about life through the lens of a suicidal person in this instagram post, and it was vulnerable to share that. Up until this year, suicide has always been on the back of my mind because I find it so intense live in this world full of so much darkness, hate, fear and suffering. It feels like the walls are caving in on me and the darkness engulfs me. In those moments I question ending my life and going home. Late in October of last year, I prayed sincerely to be see things differently to see myself as God sees me. And in that asking, I allowed in a revelation: we only suffer when we separate ourselves from God, Source, Universe, Creator, whatever name you have for a higher power. In that separation we lose sight of who we really are as the ego takes over. And then, we act out of impulse to end our suffering by taking our own life! What a big fuck you to God! I realized that to heal my suicidal tendencies I had to build a relationship with my creator rooted in love. That was the only way I was going to close the gap of separation and be at home in "the kingdom of heaven" with God. I made a promise to myself by deciding that ending my life before my Soul was ready to leave the Earth plane was no longer an option. I had to go through with this life and complete the work I came here to do.

7. Getting over the I am not good enough syndrome

Oh the constant static background noise of I am not good enough. I don't think we actually say this to ourselves, but we definitely do feel it especially when we want to give our gifts, share our voice or message, ask for something we want or do something to progress us forward in our work, business or dreams. For me the place this pesky voice has come up is in my work. I have always conceptually known this pesky voice is the ego speaking, but concepts don't stick! We can conceptually know something, but not until it is a visceral knowing - none of what we learn matters! This is why I love lightbulb moments cause it means: I really get this, not like I think I got this, but I actually really truly get this! This is what happened for me. I realized that believing "I am not good enough" was just another form of separation, of not knowing myself as my True Self. It's also a form of self-attack and whenever we attack ourselves we don't feel good about ourselves. How I healed this illusional, is by not attacking myself anymore and choosing to see myself differently through the perspective of love. Plus I had another epiphany: If I am aware that I am not good enough then, I am not the one who believes she is not enough. I am the awareness that is aware of this thought of I am not enough. Read that again, let it sink it. We are not what we are aware of, and in that knowing we can know that all the ways we use our thoughts to attack ourselves is just another form of separation and a tactic of the ego - a false sense of Self. And we have to teach ourselves to align our thoughts with love and the truth because that is what feels good.

Here is a video where I share some of the lessons and learnings from above: