How to Stop Seeking External Validation

Truth be told for many years I sought external validation to feel good about myself and what I did. I needed to get other people’s approval and recognition to feel like I was good enough and had value. I was starving for validation, it was like a hit I needed to feel remotely good about myself, and because of it I always found myself in a vicious cycle of self-loathing. By doing this I was eroding my self-esteem.

Self-esteem is not a naturally occurring phenomenon that some people have and others do not have. It is built and cultivated by our parents. Low self-esteem is conditioned in us because of either trauma or learned perception of ourselves due to conditions of love and worth. We grow up to be adults who have poor self-perception who are constantly in an identity crisis because we seek to get love and approval outside of ourselves to feel whole and complete.

To stop this validation seeking we have to ultimately give ourselves the love we did not receive and learn to re-parent ourselves the way we wish we were parented. Self-esteem is a seed we plant, nurture, tend to and cultivate until it becomes normal to feel good about ourselves independent of external sources.

In this video I share why we seek external validation:

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How to stop seeking external validation:

  1. Heal the wounded inner child who was loved based on conditions of love and worth. Who was not seen, heard or recognized for who she is, and now as an adult is seeking that validation to feel complete and loved. One way to do this is to start a dialogue between your inner child self and you on paper. Ask it to tell you what it feels and what it wants from you. What are it’s unmet needs? Then, you as the adult can give that to her and meet her unmet needs.

  2. Cultivate self-esteem by re-parenting yourself like you wish you were parented. What are things you wished you were told as a child? What did you want to be recognized for as a child? Start to tell yourself these things now. Every time you do something, big or small, praise yourself, acknowledge yourself, appreciate yourself. Building self-esteem is like a growing plant, to thrive it needs your attention, nurture, care, support and love.

  3. Focus on the good in you. When you seek lack, flaws or deficiencies in yourself constantly, you need other people to validate the good in you in order for you to see the good in yourself. When that external validation doesn’t come you feel even more inadequate as you stay focused on the bad in you. In order to validate yourself, you have to pay attention to the good in you. It is there! Make a habit for the next 40 days to write down in your journal one good thing in you or about you to help you shift your mindset from self-lack to self-appreciation.

  4. Grab the Dear Beloved Workbook, a integrative practice of daily love letters to yourself and nurturing your relationship with yourSelf.

You can do this! For support and guidance, learn more about mentorship with me here.

Kajal Pandey3 Comments